Elsie Joy

It's hard to believe we had no idea who Elsie was this time last year. And it is a bit sad that I have no idea what I was doing 4 years ago today. The day Elsie was born. But, from this year forward I will know what she is doing on March 10 and I will be with her. And we will celebrate her, not just on March 10 but everyday from here on out. She is a smiley little snippet of joy. So many people think we have given her the gift of a family. But, really, she IS the gift. Our family will never be the same. I'm so thankful for that. 

Party with my siblings and cousins

 Presents!

Mommy, Daddy, and Elsie

My First Tricycle!

Sweet Stranger

Jonathan and I took the kids to do a little shopping in Las Vegas today (a little town 25 miles away.) We try not to leave the house on Saturdays since we go to Santa Fe on Sunday, but we needed to stock up on some feed store supplies and Mallette's in Las Vegas is super friendly and has amazing prices. And since we were there I decided we needed to stop at a hardware store, Wal-mart, and The Shoe Dept. And since we did all of that Jonathan was "starving" and wanted to eat while we were out. We ended up in a mid-grade place...not Taco Bell, and not El Fidel (the ritziest place in the town), somewhere in between. The kids were great and we had a pretty good time while each of us licked our plates clean, figuratively of coarse. After the scoops of ice cream that came with the kids' meals, Jonathan went to the register to pay and our waitress scurried over and told the cashier to apply a $20 bill to our total. Someone wanted to lighten our load. Who does that? How sweet.
Before we left, Jonathan asked the waitress about the person who did that for us. She said that it is a family that frequents the place. Jonathan asked her to make sure to thank them the next time they were in.
I'm pretty sure I saw the family that did it. They kept looking over at us and smiling, but I didn't think anything at the time...if I had a quarter for every double take we get...

Expanded Form My Foot

Some days are hard. Today was one of those days. The thing that set things rolling badly was expanded form. And this is not the first bad day I have had over stupid expanded form. Why does is matter that 72,023 = 70,000 + 2,000 + 20 + 3???????? Won't that come later? And why can't my two oldest children get this? We went through the lesson, we made a little craft with different place values, we watched a youtube video and still every single time they tried, they got it wrong. In the middle of the expanded form nightmare, Elsie came out of my room after napping just under an hour.....nope. Back in you go, little girl. And that didn't go over too well so there as screaming and tears. Ki has been in a constant state of fuss lately. We think it is a combo of teething and us not stuffing him every time he eats. This boy is getting chun.key. And he can put away an enormous amount of food. So, we have been trying to give him "normal" portions the past few days. And he ain't happy about it. Anderson was guilty of nothing in the episode because I have been letting him "play" geometry on a Pre-K website. He loves it. Annie was watching Anderson. They were sitting on benches in the school room. She came up to me and told me she had a splinter in her butt. Well, surprise surprise. Annie is the most injured child every to be born on this Earth. At least 47 times a day she walk up to me and shows me her finger, or toe, or gums or...... you get it. IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING. It wasn't a splinter, it was just a little scratch and she wouldn't have had it if she was wearing something more than a leotard! Suck. It. Up. Annie. Oh, and I was in the middle of baking a batch of sandwich rolls, a loaf of bread, a loaf of brioche, and a batch of sweet potato biscuits. Hmm. It is discouraging to think I'm not in a place to be able to "do it all" yet as a mom of these six wonderful kids. Days are pretty okay if I just sit and help them with school and sit and let them come to me. But when I am trying to get stuff done my serotonin turns off. Which is dangerous. And is followed by asking for forgiveness. (Doesn't help that I forgot to take my Seratonin-helping meds last night.)
Having a baby is hard. It was hard several years back when I had one baby after another and it is hard now. There is something about a kid who knows what he wants but has zero ability to let you know what that is. It is hard to have a 3 year that doesn't understand what you are telling her and why she has to go back to bed. Elsie's go-to communication is "Ehehehehehehehehe!" If someone shuts the door she squeaks "eheheheheheheeh." If she wants the light turned on she squeals "eheheheheheheheeh." If she needs to be wiped she whines "eheheheheheehe." Hard.
It is hard be responsible for your children's education. It is hard not having the quiet of kids-are-at-school time. It is hard wanting your family to have good nutritious food to eat. It is hard being on a budget that keeps you from just buying the good-for-you things at Whole Foods. It is hard to deeply feel it every time a kid has a microscopic boo-boo.
I'd say today was the hardest day since we got home. I'd say today as the hardest day in years. Which really is pretty darn good. I'm am so glad that most days aren't like this. And I am so glad that God's mercies are new every morning.

Two Worlds

I feel like since we arrived in Uganda (October 26) I've been living in two very opposite worlds mentally and emotionally. The "I have more than enough and live a spoiled-rotten life" world and the "wow, there is such poverty and sadness within a few degrees of separation from us" world. 

One thing that is continually on Jonathan's and my heart is E and K's biological family. God knit us together and we want to be faithful to them. I know every adoption is different and I think most closed adoptions means no contact with the birth family. But ours is a little different. We feel like God has not just given us 2 beautiful babies to take care of in our home, but also a family literally across the world to love too. And I don't really know what that is going to look like but God is so faithful to direct us. I just hope we hear Him loud and clear. 

Just last week, Jonathan and I decided to send money to Rashid (the orphanage director, pastor, school director) to get a few things done. We emailed him a list of things we want to happen. It is such a blessing to have a man of God on the ground over there willing to help us with this. 

First, it is going to pay for Pauline and her five year old daughter Catherine, who are both HIV positive, to have medical treatment that will give them a better quality of life and hopefully extent their lives, plus transportation to and from the city and some food for the day. This is a monthly payment we are making. If anyone is interested in contributing to this monthly or yearly, please let me know. We are going to try to find a 501-c3 to be the middle man so that your contributions can be tax-deductable. We are going to send $30 a month for this. 

Second, the money will pay for 1 year of education at Rashid's school for her oldest 2 girls, Mirian, 16, and Christina, 9. It is a boarding school so they will have a nice roof over their heads, a bed, and 3 meals a day, plus an education at a Christian school. It is our prayer that this will break the generations of poverty in their family and give them a chance at a bright future. It is our hope that it will keep them from helping the family make money in culturally acceptable, but terrible ways. This will also lessen the burden for Pauline by 2 mouths to feed. A one year education for one student costs $500. 

Third, Rashid will purchase a bred cow for the family. They have lush green land that will sustain a cow with no need for bought feed, so when the cow births her calf, they will have fresh milk for their family which will provide better nutrition than they've had in a long time. The cow will produce enough milk for them to sell a gallon or more a day too, which will provide them an income. And they will be able to sell the calf for more money than Pauline makes in a year and a half. A bred cow costs $400-$500. 

And if there is any money leftover, we asked Rashid to buy them some chickens. 

Mirian -16, Grandma, Ezekial -7, Pauline, Catherine -5, and Christina -9

So, we got an email from Rashid yesterday. He visited Pauline and the family after church to tell them that her girls are going to school and she is getting a cow and some chickens. He said she was overwhelmed. He wrote down the the names and ages of the 4 kids at home and sent them to us because we wanted to know them. 

My heart hurts for them. Catherine is 5 years old and is HIV positive and Jonathan remembers that she was no bigger than Elsie. Elsie is tiny for her age. Elsie is 3.5 years old but just now fits in 2 year old clothing. Christina is 9 and she is going to the orphanage on February 1. The first weekend in February I'll be getting ready for a Superbowl party. And counting my calories. And snowboarding. Gosh, life is conflicted. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm not supposed to enjoy life and what God has given me. I do love my life and I try to live it full. I love my Dyson vacuum and board games and fresh produce and movie nights. And I know each of these are gifts from my Maker. I'm just trying to figure out how to share what has been given to me. I have been entrusted with much much. I want to be faithful in what I can give back.  

I want to fly over there and build her house and give them a couple of clean new outfits and build them a chicken coop so that the chickens that they desperately need don't have to live in their house...pooping on their beds....spots on the floor. I want to buy them milk jars and lids and a big bucket so that they can milk their cow and sell it to the village. I want them to have an outhouse because right now they squat in the woods. All of this would cost $6,000 to build. SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! That's it.

How do I raise money for this? Any ideas? I want to do this stuff now. I want to hug all of them and tell them that Jesus loves them and created them and died and rose for them. I want them to know Jesus....I don't know if they do. I want Pauline's life to get better so that she can keep her children. Sometimes the crazy thought of taking all of her children pops into my already lost mind. But then I remember that children are a blessing from the Lord and if she can, I want Pauline to experience that. If she can feed them and house them and love them well, I want her to be able to do that. My part is to love her as best as I can. Any chance God is calling you to help? E.V.E.R.Y.  P.E.N.N.Y  H.E.L.P.S. and every idea to raise this money helps too. Can you imagine changing a family's life forever? Not just giving them a meal, or a bag of beans, but giving them the tools to walk out of killing poverty and into a life that can focus on something other than survival. Through prayer, through ideas and through money we can do this. And we will be able to see the progress. Rashid will send pictures when he can. And we will be able to tell Elsie and Ki that we loved them all the way to the moon and back. 

Not What You Are Wanting

I'm not sure why I can't bring myself to blog more lately. Yes, I'm busy, but gosh, 6 isn't that many more than 4. It is not that I don't have stories to tell, because I do. I ask myself almost daily why I don't want to sit down and share what is our normal...or not so normal now, but I just can't figure it out. And I know that is leaving a few faithful followers (of our journey) in the dust. Please know that is not my intention. I guess I'm just feeling extra introverted lately. I think the closest I get to why is that everyone has different expectation of how I'm handling it all and how I'm feeling about it all and want me to name everything that is happening. Or at least I think they have expectations. :) I'm pretty simple minded about all of this. God asked us to do this thing. We did it. And now I'm kind of in survival mode. I'm not good at naming all my kids' needs or hurts or personalities. Right now I feel like I'm floating through this. I'm feeding them, hugging them, apologizing to them, cleaning up after them, playing with them and loving them imperfectly, but as well as I can. I guess I just need to come to peace with the fact that I can't answer all of your questions and that is okay. But I can share. I can't really define good, but we are good. Life is good. Life is hard. Life is fun. Life is full. Life is sad. But life is good.
And I know that is not exactly what you guys are waiting to here. I know you want details and I'm going to try to do that. I'm sorry it is taking time. I need grace. :)

Trying To Find A Voice

I know it might stump some of you out there, but I just don't have a ton to say about life....yet. I think everything is ruminating. We spent 5 weeks in Uganda- a developing country- with shady power, shady deals with higher ups, and lots of poverty. Oh, and we have two new children. So while it seems that I should have stories for hours of entertainment, my thoughts just haven't congealed yet.
Here are two things though that have struck me....one funny, one serious.
Funny first: Well, maybe it's not funny, but it's not serious. I have always been a champion sleeper. I have slept more than a third of my life. I love sleep. I'm secretly hoping sleep is a part of heaven...daily sleep. The trip to Uganda was no different. We left for Africa at 10am which meant that we were up pretty early. Our first leg was to Atlanta. Jonathan's idea of plane rides to pick up two orphans half way around the world is to pass the time with cool movies he rented on his iPhone. He even bought a splitter for our headphones so we could both listen to the movie. It didn't mesh with my idea of starting this shockingly spiritual journey off right, but I didn't want to be a nay-sayer so I complied...yes, another shocker.
The movie ended not long before touch down but my eyes had been drooping for a good 2 hours. And yes, that means they were drooping most of the way through the movie. Anyway, our flight from Atlanta took off about 5pm and flew to Amsterdam. It was an 8 or 9 hour flight "through the night." I like a good 10 hours of sleep so I knew I had to get sleeping once we were in the air. Jonathan was a bit bummed when he asked what movie I wanted to watch and I kindly excused myself. I had my ear plugs, socks, neck pillow, and eye mask. I was out within 20 minutes of reaching cruising altitude. And I slept until breakfast was served on the plane 1 hour before we landed. Our layover in Amsterdam was 3 or 4 hours. Our flight to Kampala was an 8 hour flight as well. And it was a repeat of the previous flight. I slept like a baby. And we hit the ground running in Uganda. The time difference didn't really effect us. And there were many nights I got my prescribed 10 hours while there. (And there were nights we were up with Ki while he was coughing up a lung.) Let me backtrack a second. I'm the type of person that wears my sin on my sleeve. It takes a newby about 7 minutes to figure out what I struggle with in life and that I've got a long way to go. I am the opposite of my sweet husband who can appear to the untrained eye to be perfect. But the bummer is that we both struggle with pride. Aaaand back to my story. More than once we thought, "Who are these loser that 'struggle' with jet lag. They are weakies." Well, we had the longest day in our history November 29. We left Uganda for the US thirty minutes before November 29 started and landed in ABQ 30 hours later at 7:45pm Thursday, November 29. We traveled with two babies that slept off and on which meant mommy's sleep wasn't the most important anymore. By the time we got home and let our new kids play with our old kids, it was 11pm. T.I.R.E.D. I had been up a good 48 hours. I was the first one to say that I HAD to go to bed. I just knew that I was going to sleep like a rock and open my eyes at the crack of 8 or 9am. Nope. O One hundred hours. 1am. And there was NOTHING I could do to fall back asleep. NOTHING. Jonathan and I hadn't seen 1am together so many times since we were dating. This satanic thing called jet lag lasted over a week for us. On day 10 we had the bright idea of take sleeping pills even though we could barely keep our eyes open at 8pm. It worked. Praise the Lord. AND we will never again have prideful thoughts about jet lag talk. It is real people.
And since I was a bit wordy on the "funny" topic, I'm only going to mention the second one and will give you more to chew on in my next post.
I don't think I will ever purchase a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha with the same ushy-gushy feelings again. Pauline (Elsie and Ki's biological mother) does back-breaking garden tending work for $4...a week. Not an hour. Not a day. But a week. That, my friends, is the same amount as a Caramel Macchiato.

How to Greet the Grassmick's?

Guest Post by Kerri Couillard

If you are planning to attend the Airport Welcome Home Party this Thursday night at the Albuquerque Sunport, you might be wondering what the Grassmicks' wishes are for when they all stumble into our hands.

When you first see them, they would like for their kids that have been here in New Mexico to greet them and have a little mini-family reunion apart from everyone else.  This make take a few minutes or more.  Then their Grandparents will join them and they plan to walk and join their friends.  As you would imagine, they would like to look into each one of their children's eyes and hug them etc. without a big distraction.  This isn't because they don't love you - they do and they do want you there.  Also, don't expect to hold the babies and I know this will be hard.  In time, as they adjust, we will all be able to squeeze them then.

If you haven't been personally invited, I would like to take the opportunity to do so.  Not only is this Airport Welcome Home Party going to support the parents, the children, their grandparents, but it will be recorded for Elsie and Ki for when they grow up.  They can see what lovingly open arms and hearts we all have for them and adoption in general.

If you would like more information and be notified of any delays, please email jasonkerri@gmail.com or call 505-231-8370. Texts are ok too.

We have made many beautiful signs and tshirts to share.  Just come and celebrate the way God Moved Mountains.

We Have An Exit Plan

Each day last week we were told our passports would be ready. So on Friday when we headed to town, my expectations were not high. I was just going to try to enjoy the change of pace of being in town. Joy, Rashid’s wife, drove us and the other family to the passport office. She went in, and us Muzungus waited outside. We were parked under a tree and there was a dirt/grassy area under the trees as well. We strolled and sat and ate.

One of the trickiest parts of this whole deal is that the US Embassy only does certain things on certain days for certain amounts of time. Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 8am to 11:30am, they accept visa paperwork. If you are not signed in by 11:30 then they ask you to come back. The passport guy told us 9:30am, which gave us some fudge room. Rashid had told us that if Joy walked out anytime after 11:00am that we should jump on a boda boda and get to the Embassy. Anytime before 11:00am and Joy would have time to drive us there.

Now a boda boda is a guy on a motorcycle that you pay to get you somewhere quickly. There are thousands of boda bodas sitting around Kampala waiting for someone to hop on. And there are thousands of them weaving in and out of traffic on the road. I LOVED this idea. Jonathan, not so much.

Around 11:00am I was getting antsy and so I decided to do a little prayer-walk. Ki was sleeping on my back so I could here myself think and cry out to God. I wasn’t mad that we didn’t have our passports yet because the peace He had given me at the beginning of the week was lingering. But I was just ready. So I was asking for passports AND peace if we didn’t get them. (I’m learning that peace is way more important than our way in this process.)

As I was nearing the entrance of the passport building I saw Joy round the corner. It was almost ten after eleven. There was a crowd between us so I had time to brace myself for whatever answer she was going to dish out. When we made eye contact, she shook her head no. Sigh. Okay. God is bigger. I can handle this. But I was wondering what the passport guy’s excuse was this time. Last Wednesday and Thursday it was a funeral. Tuesday it was Parliament. Wednesday and Thursday he was in jail. (Yes, you read that correctly.) I was wondering what it would be today. When she caught up to me, I turned around and asked, “Why not?” She was slow to answer but she asked me why I asked. This threw me off a little. I answered with “I don’t know.” But then she asked if Jonathan would get on a boda boda. (She knew his aversion.) I was confused and asked why. “To get to the Embassy!” she said. “Oh, YOU GOT THEM!!!! WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? DO YOU HAVE THEM OR NOT???” was my reply.

Come to find out she was shaking her head because she thought it was too late because Jonathan wouldn’t get on a boda boda and with the traffic at a stand still, she knew we wouldn’t make it on time. And she also told us later that one of the passports had been printed wrong and so it had to be re-printed and signed again. And Joy was in the office praying, “Your will be done, Your will be done...” over and over. We were all praying that morning.

Okay, so I start jogging to the car to tell the other family to get ready and to tell Jonathan to get the backpack with the paperwork in it. In a moment of clarity, I asked Joy if she could take the kids in the car so we didn’t have to ride with them and she agreed. (Don’t judge that I would have ridden on a boda boda with my babies. You have not seen what I have seen here. I have seen two and three children sandwiched between the driver and another adult. I have seen a kid by himself holding on for dear life to the driver with his head buried in the driver’s back.) So, Joy waved down 4 boda bodas. We practically tossed our kids in the car and jumped on. I told my driver that this was my first time and not to kill me! It was the ride of my life. I LOVED it. There is something about wind in my hair that makes me happy. I now understand why so many people don’t want to hear helmets.

So, we left the passport office at 11:09 and reached the Embassy which was half way across the capital city of Uganda, paid our drivers, checked our bag (you can’t take food, water, electronics, CHAPSTICK, anything but papers into the Embassy), went through security, jogged to the office, and were signing by 11:23am. ROCKIN AWESOME.

We could breathe. We made it. And we had our kids’ passports. Happy Day. We were in there for about 2 hours because there were other adopting families there to drop off paperwork and several families picking up their visas. When we were called in, we went through our paperwork with the lady and schedule our interview. The Embassy only conducts interviews on Monday and Wednesday afternoons. And next week was all booked up. So 2pm Monday, November 26 it is. That gives us time next week to go on Safari and do a little shopping before we have to get back down to business. I was hoping to fly home on Thanksgiving Day, but I’m just going to trust that God has got this still.

So, interview on Monday the 26^th, which means we should be able to pick up our visas on Wednesday at the latest. They need 24 to 48 hours to print them. We are scheduled to hop on a plane that Wednesday night at 11:30pm. That puts us back in Albuquerque around 7:45 Thursday night.

The Wednesday flight makes me a little nervous just because it leaves us very little time for error but there is not flight with KLM on Thursday and the flights on Friday and Saturday are $3000 more A PIECE. Yowzers. And we don’t want to wait longer than that!!! And Jonathan has to get back to work. He gets two weeks of vacation pay a year so we will be 3 weeks in the hole when we get back. (So thankful that his boss was gracious enough to give him the time off to come.) Oh, and did I mention that I CAN’T WAIT to see my sweet New Mexico four!!!

So, pray with us that everything goes well on Monday the 26^th and that our visas are printed quickly.

Once we check that off, you can start begging the Lord with us that our two babies that have constant sinus issues and have never seen a plane full of people (or empty for that matter) and have never used a seat belt will be first-time plane Rock Stars.

Hodge Podge

We are TB free! Both kids passed the medical exams and the files are being sent to the Embassy this afternoon. I’m not sure what their health standards are, but Ki is funky lately. He couldn’t sleep last night because his nose was full and overflowing, which, for a thumb sucker is deadly. Now today he has a frequent cough. We are hoping and praying that we can get these worked out before the plane ride home. We bought more meds today and they seem to be working.

And things seem to be moving well, so for all of you out there praying for 3 weeks, keep it up! Our court ruling is tomorrow. Then we work on passports and then we apply for visas at the Embassy. The one thing that I can think of that might hold the visas up is our financial stuff. Since we work on a ranch and have to live on site, our housing and utilities are part of our compensation package. This in turn makes our salary look small. We have to prove (with tax information) that we make enough money to support our family. Pray that the documentation that describes our compensation package will be enough for the Embassy.

The night we got here Rashid told us that Ki is a miracle baby. He said when he was brought to the orphanage, he was near death. He was almost a year old and couldn’t hold his head up. Rashid said it would have only been a matter of time before he died. Now, after 4 months here, Ki is sitting up and ooching around well. I can’t call it a crawl, but he can move. He likes standing with help now too. Another interesting fact about Ki is that he is an ambidextrous thumb sucker. Shocking. None of my thumb suckers have been able to switch.

We are going to try to go on a safari. I hope we can fit it in somehow. But we also want to get home. We can’t wait to introduce these little ones to our other kids and our family and friends.

The wedding we went to on Saturday would have been super neat if the orphanage workers weren’t there. It was just another sad day for Elsie, but she bounced back pretty quickly. I think we have decided that Jonathan will go to the orphanage without Elsie and me. Then, maybe we can switch. It is hard to balance being here for our children and doing what is best for them and blessing the people and other children here. But I do have a peace about putting Elsie first. Her heart is tender and fragile and we have been given a short time to tend it and we need to make the most of the time we have.

We are sitting outside the medical building right now waiting for another couple to finish up and Jonathan has music playing on his phone. And ELSIE HAS GOT SOUL. Something the Grassmick family severely lacks...until now, that is.

We found out that Ki’s last name is some ancient Ugandan God, and we were going to use those as their new middle names, so we are thinking about changing them. Rashid is trying to figure out what Kafuko means, which is Elsie’s last name. We might just use that for both of them. Here in Uganda you get your last name by what tribe you are from, but each tribe has a hat full of names they can choose from so most of the time, siblings don’t have the same last name.

I think we are out of survival mode now. We are starting to think about what it will be like and what we will do once we get home.

I don’t think we could be on this journey without all of you and your support. Thank you for your part in this amazing story that is unfolding. 

Court From My Eyes

Thanks Jonathan for writing the first post about our first court date. I loved reading the different perspective. I thought that I’d explain the journey from my eyes.

 I never really got nervous about court. I think I just kept going back to: If God has brought us this far; He isn’t going to leave us hanging. So, the day started off like a beautiful normal day in the hillside of Uganda. J We did have to rush around a bit to get ready to leave, because as most of you know, we are not early risers, nor people that leave enough time to get things done. We woke up and got dressed then headed up for breakfast. Jonathan was feeding the kids and a little frustrated that I told him to put on his clothes for the day. Ki is NOT a clean eater and he LOVES to feel his food.....after he has chewed it. J (Jonathan is successfully breaking him of this habit slowly, but surely.) When I walked up stairs, I noticed the modem was back and the power was on and wanted to send the post I had written the night before so you folks back home could pray specifics. So, I came back to our room and grabbed my laptop. But, by the time I had gotten to the table with my food, someone came from the director’s house and took it back. Bummer, I thought, but oh well. So, back down stairs to put my laptop away. As I was walking back up, I heard the horn honk, so I grabbed my pancake and a napkin and we were off.

I had been thinking that is was a little overkill to get here 3 days before our court date but gosh, I’m really glad we had that time to get to know Elsie. We keep saying she is a tough nut to crack. But, by Tuesday morning, she was pretty comfortable with me and not freaking out when sitting next to Taata (which means Daddy in Luganda). We ran a few errands and carrying around a toddler and a backpack proved to be a little sweaty. I kept yelling to Rashid, reminding him of my short legs. He would look back and give a sly smile and chuckle. But, he was slow down to a normal speed for a least a minute or so.

I felt safe while we were out. Jonathan and I were laughing and having fun together. Rashid left us alone at a Mazungu café for a couple of hours, which felt normal, which was nice.

Before he walked away, he told us that he was going to find the birth mom and feed her lunch. She left super early and had a hard journey and hadn’t eaten. He said she felt weak and her heart was pounding. Gosh, what an ordeal for her. She didn’t want any of this. And she hates it all while in the middle of it. But she gets what so many of us don’t....it isn’t about her. She isn’t doing this because it will make her life better. Her life sucks. Her husband most likely fooled around with someone that was HIV positive and once he found out he was infected, he had to tell his wife what he had done. I’m sure that night was hell for her. Oh, and she was pregnant so now she has to worry about the health of her unborn child on top of worrying about how long will she will be able to raise her other children. Thanks, Frank. So, then he dies at or near their home of Malaria. And even when someone you love has wronged you, you hurt when something like this happens. Another terrible day for Pauline. So, she gets on with her life and six months after burying her husband, she gives birth to his last child. But she knows she is HIV positive so she can’t nurse him. And no one is working to provide for her so she can’t feed him. So, the nightmare continues. And after a year she realizes, as her health is fading, that she just can’t do it. She can’t feed them. And even to take care of them is getting tough. She doesn’t want the older kids to miss out on an education because of her story. So, she decides it isn’t about her and what she wants and how she feels. It is about what is best for her children; her older children and her younger children. And so she lets them go. But it isn’t that easy. She isn’t getting rid of them because they are a burden, or she would have just left them by the village trash or just let them wither away. She cares deeply for them and wants for them what she didn’t have and to do that, she has to deny herself. Rashid told me when Pauline gave the kids to him, Elsie cried for days. Pauline knew how precious her daughter was and how much this was going to hurt Elsie, but she did it anyway. Then, she had to come to Kampala to terminate her rights as their parent; a long, hard journey. And this day, she is back again. Tired, broken, hungry, and hurting.

I could see all this in a nano-second when she walked in the waiting room door. Her eyes told me the whole story. She wanted to look at the babies, and wanted to be strong enough NOT to look at the babies. I could see the battle going on inside of her. And it was taking its toll on her fragile soul. I had prepared NO words for this moment. I just motioned to ask if I could hug her. I wanted to take some of her pain. I wanted her to know that she is loved by a family of New Mexicans and that while we can’t make everything okay, we would love these two little people as our own. We hugged and she cried for just a bit and then my focus shifted. It is hard to love two sides of the same coin at the same time. By love, I don’t mean the feeling kind of love. I mean the Jesus kind of love, the kind of love that does and acts and wipes tears away. I wanted to sit with her and hear her story and cry with her. But I couldn’t. I had a broken, whimpering gift in my arms. And if I was to love her the best, I had to walk away.

I sat back in my chair and Elsie’s whimpering escalated to crying. She was trying to look behind us and confirm what she had seen just a few minutes before. I shimmied my shoulders and shifted in my chair. I shushed her and sang to her but her heart was broken. And I knew that Pauline could hear and see it all. Two sides of the coin, both broken. I was in between...praying. It was all I had to offer. As she got louder, she started pushing me away and wouldn’t look into my eyes. I don’t think I will ever understand her pain, but I feel like God gave me a glimpse. I wanted to take it all away. And I knew that in my power I couldn’t. So, I asked the only one powerful enough to come in.

Lord, Elsie is hurting and there is nothing I can do to stop it. She needs You, Holy Spirit, to come and comfort her. I want You to wipe her heart clean and love on her. Be near to Elsie Lord.

I decided to walk out and wander the hallways. We went potty in a not so wonderful bathroom. (It was America-bad, not Uganda-bad. There was a toilet and a place for toilet paper and a sink and mirror.) After she went, I stood her up on the counter and showed Elsie her reflection. She smiled. She was wearing a beautiful dress and a little crocheted sweater and a pink sparkly headband. We played. I showed her how to stick her tongue out and for a moment she forgot her pain. We found a little nook in the hall and I held her and rocked her. She sucked her thumb and went from blank to sad and back to blank a couple of times.

I was so connected to her and how to help her that I was shocked when we got called in. So soon? I hadn’t dwelled on it yet. I thought we would have more time. But the moment had arrived. Pauline sat catty-corner behind us and so Jonathan blocked Elsie’s sight of her birth mom as long as I held her the right way. Most of court was a blur. I wasn’t fully present in court. I was fully present in Elsie’s world. I was keenly aware that I might miss something important but knew Elsie’s heart was my mission. Pauline was called up to talk with the judge. I turned Elsie to face backwards. She kept me on my toes. Pauline spoke very softly, which I was really thankful for. I don’t know what I would have done if her voice was like mine. J Even thought I don’t think I had the presence of mind to pray for her, I know I was hoping that the judge wasn’t being mean. After Pauline, it was my turn. I had to hold Elsie with her back to her birth mom. The judge took his time with stories and questions. He would pause for a good 30 seconds after his story before he asked his question. I just kept my gaze on him and waited. While answering I continued to remember the advice to be short and to the point. He is a man, he is okay with man-sized answers. So, even when I wanted to keep going, I would stop. I remember once even saying out loud, “I’m going to stop there.” It made me feel better somehow to let everyone know I could keep going. Some of his questions were fair and some not so fair, but I shot straight and kept his eyes. My arm, by the end of my turn was ON FIRE. J The lawyer mentioned that we had purchased the certificate from the King’s Palace and the picture of the King, but we forgot it in the car. He said, “That is very unfortunate.” Awesome. But you know, I think even that was from God. While we were buying those things earlier in the day I was thinking that I didn’t want to show off for the judge. My God is our King and He is doing this work. I wanted to be relying on Him, not papers. The judge’s next question was to ask if Jonathan would be leaving soon and letting me finish up by myself here in Uganda. Jonathan responded with such grace and confidence. “No sir, I am staying until the end. This is important to me.” Judge Moses looked up from his writing and grabbed the calendar.

(A little back ground: Of the families that have gone through this judge from this orphanage, they have had to wait between 10 days and 3 weeks for a ruling, I’ve heard. And if you would have seen the post I wrote, but never got to send, you would know that I wanted God to move mountains....again. In my post the night before I asked for you guys to pray for one week. And that is what we got. When he said Tuesday, November 6, I really wasn’t expecting him to be telling us that yet. We had only been in court for 45 minutes. The family that did this before us, spent 2 hours and 45 minutes in the court room. Jonathan hadn’t gone up yet. I was focused on Elsie. She was singing louder than she ever had before. (It was still what we call a whisper-sing, but it was louder.) So, I was confused and when it registered I thought, “Did he say the 16^th or 6^th?” Jonathan confirmed mountains were moved. 1 week. That got my tear ducts going. And we blinked and court was adjourned. Done. I think it shocked me so much that it took me a minute to start packing up and the lawyer basically told us to get out...kindly of coarse.

We fumbled to get our stuff and stand up. Did I mention it was boiling-lava hot in that room? I asked Jonathan to go catch Pauline and get a picture with her but told him I was going to hang back. I sat Elsie down in the hallway and got out some gummy treats. She was waving and smiling at people as they walked by. She was not the same little girl that sat in my lap, broken, only an hour before. We walk-jumped down the stairs and met Jonathan outside. I was full of questions trying to get a sense of things from Jonathan. I was still a little stunned that it was over. Jonathan had to stop me (surprise, surprise) and say “Look! Elsie is twirling.” Elsie was teeth-showing happy. God came in and she hasn’t been the same since. We still have a long way to go, but we have turned a corner. And with God on our side, we are moving forward.