The Sweet

This post doesn't have anything to do with adoption; more with parenting, or really just my sour attitude. The only link to adoption is that I think I allowed myself to dive into a weekend funk because we didn't get our court date last week.
Anyway, this past weekend my honey was in Canada visiting family and attending his Grandpa's funeral. In hindsight, it was probably good he wasn't here to witness my low (even though he is gracious when he does.) But....my kids were. Good thing they were busy playing most of the time. I found myself snapping at the kids e.v.e.r.y. t.i.m.e. I spoke to them. And the first clue was that I was hearing them bicker and snap at each other. My first thoughts were, "Why are my sweet children sounding so incredibly ugly?" And so when they did it, I corrected them...by snapping. It took me a couple days to figure it out. Yuck....they sound like me. Duh. So, the next day I was aware of it all day, but nothing changed except that I felt guilty each time I did it. And so by the end of the day I was doing some serious praying about it. And God gave me the most practical answer. (Which my brother-in law, Jim Samra, talks about in his new book God Told Me.)
Let's back up a couple weeks. (I promise I will tie this together in a minute.) I was at my mom's house in cool, crisp Angel Fire, New Mexico and she was telling me about a book that my mother-in-law had either mentioned to her or gave to her...I'm not sure which. (And by the way, my mother and mother-in-law are friends.) I don't remember a lot of what she said about the book but what I took away was this. She nows wears a bracelet. And every time she grumbles or complains or huffs about her honey, she switches arms. It is a physical reminder to check herself. I will not tell you if, or how many times, she has moved it in front of me. ;)
Back to my life...It hit while I was praying that I should do the same thing, but instead of checking myself with my hubby, I would do it with my children. And a big bonus is that a sweet woman from our church gave me a "SAVE AFRICA'S CHILDREN" rubber bracelet a few weeks ago and I haven't taken it off since. So, not only do I have the bracelet which means I don't have to spend any money, but my kids are used to seeing me in it so it shouldn't raise any red flags with them 'cause I sure don't want them asking me about it. :)
I started yesterday. And I will admit that my bracelet was probably a bit dizzy by the end of the day. :) But today, it is sinking in and I've only had to move it twice. I have struggled with two things with this grumbling thing. 1.) HOW I say things. A lot of time the WHAT of what I say is good and right, but it comes out in the worst tone of voice. And 2.) The WHAT of what I say. Sometimes I do overstate things and can be mean with my words. And the bracelet has helped me with both. It is a physical reminder to speak with kindness and truth. I've even tried to turn the sweet on when talking. My best friend and roommate from college has that sweet voice when she answers the phone. Ya know, we can be talking normal and the phone would ring and she would stop down and turn out this honey-sweet "hellllllllo!?" I know to expect it when I call her now which is good because I might think I dialed wrong. Or, like when we sit down to dinner and the meal's prayer turns on the sweet voice for Jesus. Like He doesn't know that that is a Fakey McFake voice. He gave you that voice. But, I've been trying to speak in that voice a little more because it is hard to say something mean when coating it in sugar.
Okay, I lied at the beginning, maybe I am going to talk about adoption a little.
When we started this whole adoption process a year and a half ago, I started praying that God would turn me into a good mother for my new children. It hit me after a few months of praying this way, that I was only asking for part of what He wanted me to give me. So, I started asking for Him to help me be a good mother. Period. Which then included my wonderful biological kids too. And I know I have terrible days and can talk mean, but it has been amazing to watch how my God has taken my heart of stone is slowly but surely giving me His heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 11:19) God revealed this promise of His to me when my children were young and everyday felt like a battle to survive. And for years I have prayed that even in my parenting failures that He would be faithful. And He has been.
One of my closest friends asked me about a year ago, "How do you take this step with adoption when there is growing still to be done?" She was so right when recognizing how scary of a step it is when we know that we are going to fail as parents. All I could say at the time was that I was sure that God had asked us to. And I am so grateful now that I can look back and see that it was the step of faith of saying "yes" to God with this adoption that has opened an amazing flow of God's grace in my life. If I didn't take that step, I might not have grown like I have.
Oh, the wonders of God.
Anyway, if you see me taking my bracelet off and putting it on the other arm, you will know what I just did. But please, don't you dare mention it in front of my children. That last think I want to hear is, "Mommy, don't you think you should switch arms after saying that?" :)
And hopefully my next post will be the date of our court hearing. Let's pray I get word tomorrow.